Fall out with your Lover

I hate it when my partner and I fight. I know some couples get off on arguing and fight as a way to pass the time. But when we fight, something breaks inside me.

There's a feeling you get when your lover's mad at you. Or at least there's a feeling that I get. It's a feeling that sits deep inside me. It's an emptiness that needs to be filled. An emotion that needs to be expressed. A guilt that must be confessed to.

When I'm excluded from his touch, excluded from his love, it feels as if I've been cut off from life itself for a while. And I feel it all through me. Every part of me wrong. Every inch of me feel confused when I know that he's mad at me.

And I know, of course, from experience that with in a few hours, it will be gone, and life will go on as normal, still during those few hours my heart trembles. I feel like I want to shout, or scream, or punch something just because it's the only way I can begin to ease the feeling of loss that I get whenever that love goes away, whenever that love leaves me for a minute or for a day.

Maybe it's just me, it probably is. I'm good at over-reacting. But to me, losing that love, is like losing part of myself. It's like tearing a chunk out of my soul.

And it's a shame that the time I most realise how I feel about him, and how deeply connected I am to him, is a few seconds after the fight is over.

Sometimes having a spirit can hurt too.

But then, later on, you get to make up.

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Ghosts are a spiritiual phenomena

The existence of Ghosts proves the existence of the human spirit.

Nope, I haven't gone to the woo side. Bare with me.

Humans fear death, although how we deal with it changes as we age. Heading into late 20's, I largely deal with death by ignoring it. As I age my attitude to death may slowly change. One day I expect to have a sudden crushing realisation that I will die one day. I already know that death is inevitable of course, I have no illusions of immortality, but death still feels far away, or unlikely - as likely to happen to me anytime soon as winning the lottery. I have not yet changed the world, I have not yet left my footprint in history. I have not yet even written a will, i can't possibly die yet. One day, having still not changed the world, left my footprint in history or written a will I'll probably suddenly realise that I am running out of time and decide to buy a motorbike.

We're not wired to understand death. If we did we would never attempt to do anything. What would be the point? Instead we see ourselves as separate from our body. It is not my brain telling my hand what to write, it is me. I am not my mind, I exist separate from my body, but also in it. Of course, logically I know there outside of my body and my brain there is no me. And yet everyday I act as if there is something else. And so do you. This is the way our brains have learnt to program us. It is the most effective way for us to cope with existence. It is also completely a lie.

But having created a lie the brain must validate it. And this, I believe is where ghosts come into it.

We all want to believe. We may scoff at Most Haunted or Ghost Hunters but there is something comforting in the idea of ghosts. They are proof that the spirit exists beyond this mortal coil. The existence of ghosts proves the conceit the brain has constructed. And for this reason I wonder if we are predisposed to see them.

The brain constructs wonderful stories from feelings and sightings from the corner of the eye. Rather than dismissing them, we call these ghosts. We create elaborate stories about ghosts to tell others who agree with us and tell us their own. Almost everyone has some sighting to share, the smell of their grandfathers cigarettes at his funeral, their deceased mothers voice in their ear, the feel of their child's hand holding onto theirs. The stories bond us, and convince us that the spirit will live forever.

This is the brain at it's most amazing. It has not only created an illusion of the spirit, it even seeks evidence of it. We are so keen to avoid death that we seek proof of the afterlife in everything. The brain allows us to create elaborate stories, based on a shadow in the corner, or a smell in a room, and use it to convince ourselves that we are immortal. And with this reassurance, they can carry on in the world. No matter what happens we will live forever.

How incredible is a brain that can do this? Next time someone tells me a ghost story, instead of fighting them I'll respect them instead. They may be mistaken, almost certainly they are, but they simply can't help it. Their story is evidence of brain that needs us to believe we exist outside of our body. And will go to phenomenal extents to make that seem true.

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One of the top 50 Atheist blogs of 2010!

According to an e-mail I received this morning, my blog has been voted among the top 50 atheist blogs of 2010!

I didn't know such a competition existed until just now, and feel rather like I've just been told that I've won the New-Zealand lottery. I'm not entirely sure whether I should trust this or not. Maybe it's just some big targeted advertising campaign? But when you click on the link there I am. Link number 19 (yes I counted!)

The online school Atheism blog awards judges a blog across 20 different attributes, including content, frequency of updates, amount of advertising, length of posts, and readability, and ranks them in order. To get in the top 50, based on such impressive criteria, is shocking! The fact that someone even bothered to nominate me in the first place is shocking.

This blog is such a baby in the massive established big boy world of Atheist bloggers. It's nice to feel like this baby just won it's first bonny baby competition.

A massive thank you to whoever voted for me! I'll work extra hard now to look like I actually deserved it.

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Being a Spiritual Atheist - Read Romantic Poetry

All writing is egotistical. Poetry doubly so.

Whenever anyone writes something down, with the intention of sharing it with others, they do so with an inherent belief that they are writing something worthwhile. A blogger, for example, does not blog for the sheer joy of it, but rather because they think they have something to share that other people need to know. The very act of writing on a public forum assumes that people want to read your writing.

Poetry is this squared. When someone sits down to write a poem, they not only think they have something of worth to share but they think that it's so worthwhile you'll be happy to spend ages trying to understand it. A poet is an wannabe celebrity without the looks. This is possibly the reason that I used to spend a lot of time writing poetry.

With this in mind I write this post carefully. Many, many people do not read poetry, or enjoy reading poetry, and yet I am about to suggest that you do just that. Hang with me here, it should make sense before I'm done.

Love, as most people know, is an illusion. It seems to be little more than a firing of endorphins which encourages kinship and childbearing. It is an evolutionary device to help us pass on our DNA. And yet no one would alive that the experience of love can be distilled so. Love is beyond understanding, love is a mystery, love is without words.

We can't understand love, and we can't understand poetry. And so the two combined create a whole world of mystery. And it is this reason that I love it.

Where, like a pillow on a bed

A pregnant bank swell'd up to rest

The violet's reclining head,

Sat we two, one another's best.

Our hands were firmly cemented

With a fast balm, which thence did spring;

Our eye-beams twisted, and did thread

Our eyes upon one double string;

So to'intergraft our hands, as yet

Was all the means to make us one,

And pictures in our eyes to get

Was all our propagation.

John donne - The ecstacy

The Ecstacy, by John Donne is one of the most beautiful descriptions of love and sex every written, especially considering it was written by a preacher. In this passeg he describes with metaphor and beautiful words lovers lying on a river bed, gazing into each others eyes, as the rest of the world seems to disappear around them.

This is a human beings attempt to describe the indescribable. It is a man's attempt to transcribe lust and passion. It is impossible to completely understand it. All we can do is feel the words, feel round the idea. And it is own idea of love, our own Idea of passion, that gives the meaning shape. In this way reading poetry affirms your own view on the world. And for a few moment's it allows you to float above it.

In the film 'Bright Star' John Keets describes how reading a poem should feel.

"A poem needs understanding through the senses. The point of diving into a lake is not immediately to swim to the shore but to be in the lake, to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out, it is a experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept the mystery. "

To read romantic poetry is to immerse yourself into another persons emotions, and to feel the emotions well up in you. It is to remove yourself from the world of black and white and live out a moment in a world of intense colour. When you return to the world of reality, everything looks that bit more colourful.

And when a poem attempts to describe love. Even the simplest words can be profound.

let me be your vacuum cleaner

breathing in your dust

let me be your ford cortina

i will never rust

if you like your coffee hot

let me be your coffee pot

you call the shots

i wanna be yours

John Copper Clark - I wanna be yours  

To read a love poem is to see into someone else's soul, and see inside yours all at the same time. Next time you want a instant hit of spirituality, do a google search for love poetry, and let yourself soak in the words.

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My E-mail to Catholic Care

Following yesterday's post about Catholic Care and gay adoption,  I realised I might be being unfair. After all, I am only hearing one side of the issue, and I'm hearing that through a very biased filter. As far as I'm concerned their decision is an attack on me. They are suggesting that as a gay man I am unfit to raise a child, as if I'm socially and psychologically imparied, and any child in my care would be permentatly damaged.

But this seems to not be a moral battle, but a financial one. It seems that Catholic care would lose their church funding if they go against catholic teachings. And so realising there are other issues that I may be overlooking, I decided to write to Catholic care to see if they would give me an insight into their own points of view. Are they simply upholding the view of their financiers, or do themselves hold the view that homosexuality is immoral and dangerous for our children?

Dear Rev Roche,

I'm would like to discuss the recent ruling by the Charity Commission and convey your opinion, and your side of the story, to a wider audience

First, a confession. I am a gay, UK atheist who blogs at www.spiritualatheist.co.uk. I, and the majority of my readers, disagree with you on this issue. 

However, It has occurred to me after writing a post short, bitter post discussing this,  that I may have the situation completely wrong. The more I read about this story, the more I see that this may be a financial problem, rather than a religious one, and I, and my readers would like to hear your views on the matter more directly. 

Of course, I am far from unbiased. As a gay man I feel you are discriminating against me personally, as if I am unworthy to raise a child. But I aware of my bias and I am eager to try to understand why you feel you must now close, rather than offer adoption to gay couples. 

My blog readership is small, but the gay and atheist online community are well connected and I am confident that I will be able to fairly, and accurately, convey your point of view to a large audience. At a time when the reputation of the Catholic Church, and Catholicism, is suffering, it may be beneficial to help your strongest opponents understand your point of view. 

I would happy to carry out this discussion by telephone. MSN or E-mail and keenly await your response.

Yours

Simon 

I do not, of course, expect a personal response. They have not been responding to direct requests by news Journalists, so I hardly expect them to respond to me. But I hope they at least send me a short form e-mail explaining their position.

What do you think? Are Catholic care simply reliant on funding from the Catholic church, or is this their own Moral objection to Gay Adoption? Are the Catholic Church right to withraw their funding if it they violate catholic Teachings?

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Catholic adoption agency 'disappointed' they can't deny Gay's happiness

A Roman Catholic adoption agency, Catholic Care, is considering closing it's doors after their appeal to refuse adoptions to same sex couples has been overturned.

"The charity is very disappointed with the outcome," a spokesperson said,  "[and] will now consider whether there is any other way in which the charity can continue to support families seeking to adopt children in need."

This is of course the only logical thing to do. Gay's mustn't be allowed to adopt children: that would be immoral.

Never mind that hundreds of children are being robbed of the chance of a happy home, never mind that homosexual's are being denied the right to a family, never mind that study after study after study has shown that there is no significant difference in raising a child in a straight or gay household.

The Bible says it is wrong, somewhere, if you interpret the passages in a certain way. God doesn't want kid's to be happy if they have to live amongst the gays to do it.

And so rather than carrying on helping willing adults and homeless children come together. They may close their doors altogether.

It's just what Jesus would have wanted.

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The Evolution of Disney Intros

There was a time, as recently as 1994, when all good movies started like this.

This animation is famous. Most of us grew up with it. Nearly everyone alive, in the western world, today links it to childhood, to innocence, and to a damn good movie.

Back then we made cartoons by hand, each frame painstakingly drawn and painted, one frame at a time. Then something amazing happened. A company called Pixar created the first ever fully CGI Movie, about a Toy Cowboy and his Space Ranger friend, called 'Toy Story'. For the first time ever, an entire movie was animated on a computer screen. And to celebrate, they made the intro animation a little bit more CGI...

But it didn't stop there. More and more films were made on computers. CGI effects became standard in every movie. The quality of animation continued to get higher and animated worlds became more realistic. 

And so, in 2007, to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of Disney World, they had no difficulty in creating this.

Take a look at those animations again. Compare the top one to the bottom. That transformation happened in a mere 12 years. Remember how excited the world was when Toy Story was made? Remember how novel and new it was. And now 12 years down the line, we take such amazing displays of talent and technology for granted.

This is the promise of humanity. In 12 years, 12 tiny years, human minds came together and changed the world. We are living in a time of amazing discoveries. Technology and Science are progressing faster than ever in recorded history. This is our potential. This is the gift of humanity. We can do so much, so quickly. We have never had more possibility than we do right now. And it's all thanks to the human mind, a bundle of grey, pink and white cells, working non-stop inside your skull.

We are truly incredible beings. We can create worlds of beauty. And maybe we can even make our real world more beautiful as well.

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